When Jesus had finished saying all these things, he told his disciples, “You know that the Passover takes place after two days, and the Son of Man will be handed over to be crucified.”
Then the chief priests and the elders of the people assembled in the courtyard of the high priest, who was named Caiaphas, and they conspired to arrest Jesus in a treacherous way and kill him. “Not during the festival,” they said, “so there won’t be rioting among the people.” Matthew 26:1-5 (CSB)
How the day turns dark.
Those joyful memories we have of Jesus, healing, eating, sharing. The lives transformed. I imagine the laughter, and time together with those whom he loved. I picture Mary, swaddling him as a baby, and being by his side for all of his life. But the corruption of the human heart—yours and mine—comes into clear view from this moment on.
The first story after Adam and Eve, is the story of Cain and Abel. It is a story of insecurity and violence. I heard recently that the heart reaches out for connection every 8 seconds or so. That means, that nearly constantly, and subconsciously, the human self is desiring to be with those around them. We’re regularly throwing out and searching for signals from others that we are desired, and wanted, loved and accepted. It’s the lifeblood of our system, that is rooted in the imagery of the Garden. We’re made for constant intimacy with God. Perpetually. And when then severance took place, we were left with a deep wound of insecurity that we needed to fill with other things. The jealousy of Cain for Abel was Cain’s insecurity that he was not loved. Not worthy. It is part of the lie that Satan sows within us, that our true self—that name and purpose whispered to us by our Father—is not real and is cut off.
God does not love you. Satan whispers. God is not there. He continues.
You’re on your own.
We might pretend to be well-adjusted, but that inner child exists within all of us. To cope with the abandonment we’ve created mechanisms to deal with our insecurity and doubt. Inner parts that compensate.
We fill it with sugar.
We fill it with euphoria.
We fill it with action.
We fill it with busyness.
We fill it with accomplishment.
We fill it with Instagram.
We fill it with politics and news.
We fill it with sex and pleasure.
We fill it with our egos.
And, when something threatens our defenses, it threatens us.
Our misshapen subconscious identities are alert and prepared to defend us and themselves at all costs. Further than we realize when it comes down to it. All the way to violence.
What is the source of wars and fights among you? Don’t they come from your passions that wage war within you? You desire and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and wage war. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and don’t receive because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures. James 4:1-3 (CSB)
And this is the end result. The perfect image of innocence—love itself—walked among us, and instead of receiving it, we were threatened by it, and chose to kill it.
I see this everyday. Every. Day. In myself and in others. We want the blessing, but don’t want to do the work. We want the cure, but not to die to ourselves. We prefer the sickness, with waves of comfort. It’s how we learned how to deal with the world around us. It makes us feel safe.
Jesus says to live is to give up everything, and follow him. And we spend our time accumulating and earning.
Jesus says to live is to serve. But our ambition yearns to climb and be promoted.
Jesus says to even look lustfully is infidelity. And we plaster it on billboards.
Jesus says we must turn the other cheek and pray for enemies. But we cheer for justice and fairness.
Jesus says always tell the truth, no matter what. But we pick and choose how we say and to whom depending on whether it benefits us.
Jesus says worry is of the enemy. But we concern ourselves with everyone and everything.
We don’t want God. We want to kill God and be told that we’re okay, and loved. Because God threatens us.
And we conspired against him.
Until we acknowledge that it us in the crowd in the spectacular passion in the coming days, these moments will have little significance for us.